Following the end of the Oprah Winfrey Show, the daytime television icon revealed an unprecedented new plan to live forever.
According to this plan, Oprah Winfrey will live on beyond her television show and even beyond her own death by infusing other people or objects with fragments of her own soul. Any one of these soul fragments will have the potential to re-manifest itself at any given time, Oprah claims.
The plan calls for Oprah’s soul to be split into seven pieces, a number that Oprah says makes her confident that she will never be completely destroyed. She began putting the plan into action “some time ago” and anticipates that it will be complete within the year.
Oprah claims to have created five of these soul-infused objects already. The part of her soul still in her body makes the sixth piece.
“When I began contemplating which items to use, it was only natural to me that Harpo Productions should be the first one,” Oprah said. “Of course I wanted to use the Oprah Book Club and O Magazine as well, considering their proven longevity. After I put a piece of my soul into Dr. Phil, I began to run out of ideas. That’s when I found Dr. Oz.”
As long as these items and people are in existence, she will also continue to exist, Oprah said. She also claims that a soul-infused object or being is nearly impossible to destroy, a comment she has refused to elaborate on.
Oprah has also declined requests to go into any details about the process of soul-splitting, calling it one of her “tricks of the trade.” Speculators suggest it may involve several former Harpo production assistants who have gone missing in recent years.
The identity of the final soul piece has Oprah fans puzzled. She claims to have not yet chosen the seventh item. One popular theory is that the final item will be the new Oprah Winfrey Network. Another says that supermodel-turned-TV host Tyra Banks will be the seventh piece.
Originally Oprah had intended to withhold the news of this plan until its completion. When fans reacted so emotionally to the end of the Oprah Show, she was moved to reveal it early.
“People were sobbing, and I thought to myself that this is about more than a television show. They’re afraid that this is the beginning of the end for me,” Oprah said. “I just had to comfort them and let them know, I’ll always be here. Forever.”
ABC network president Alex Wilson supports her decision. “Oprah has always been a media revolutionary. She’s setting a new standard of dedication for corporate moguls everywhere,” he said.
Those who oppose Oprah’s immortality claim Americans should band together, track down all seven pieces of Oprah’s soul and attack them with love.
Thanks for the memories, Oprah! We're glad it's not really the end.
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