Product Review

She's basically pretty. She sort of looks like me. Which is good because a doll ought to be relatable. She can sit and stand without falling over. It'd be nice if her hair were longer, since it's long enough for a ponytail but not long enough to braid.

She speaks a few phrases, which is satisfactory, but her voice is too squeaky to be appealing, so I mostly don't use that function.

I'll just mention that a doll ought to be able to wear a hat or glasses if the occasion calls for it, but these things fall right off her.

Of course, the main trouble is she just doesn't do very well in her playtime roles. She tolerates her wicked stepsisters well enough, which is fine when we play Cinderella, but when we play Runaway, the plot just falls apart because she can't ride a horse. She dances okay, but she can't sigh convincingly, so the romances never work. I can tell the prince is frustrated by the lack of chemistry in their performance.

I've tried playing Schoolteacher with her, but she has no compassion for her students. Panda is failing and will have to be held back a year if this continues. I thought a more exciting plot might please her, so I tried Joan of Arc. But when we got to the end, I'd swear she was relieved to be burned at the stake.

She just doesn't want to be the ingenue in my stories, which I don't understand. I let her play the villain for a while, but she was terrible at that as well. She refuses to abuse the other toys, even for the sake of thematic climax. And all this is extremely aggravating for me, because I spent entirely too much of my allowance on this doll to end up having to drop her down to a bit part.

I'm not a difficult girl. There is only one quality I require in a doll, and that is flexibility. She needs to have a steady hand when she operates on Snuggles. She needs to faint gracefully when she's kidnapped by the Evil Witch. She needs to pull the other doll's hair if I tell her to.

And this should go without saying: if she can't be punctual for teatime, what good is she? Plus it's entirely too hard to get her clothes off. If you tug the back of the dress, the snaps just break. I've got half a mind to leave her naked.

She has no appreciation for the opportunities she's been given. If she would put forth a little effort, she would see that I'm a very loving person.

But when I look into her little eyes, I can almost hear her saying, "For the love of God, put me back on the shelf. I'd rather sit alone with my empty, plastic head than be loved by you."